UPDATE

Dear Readers ...

I have been absent as I have had a major slip . Seems strange to start a Blog on recovery and then proceed to hit ROCK BOTTOM soon after but , it is what it is . On the week preceeding Nov 22nd I was on a steady path to self destruction . This started with the 1/2 six pack ( a day in the evening )for a few days to 24 beers and a combination of drugs that left me BROKEN .
I think this was a culmination of ALOT of stress and Me finally comin "TO A HEAD " w/ buried negative feelings , along with the worst judgement following this state of mind . During this week I took it upon myself to secure a Klonopin each day for the "STRESS" I was ovbiously feeling ( yeah right) . OF COURSE IM NOT A DOCTOR . So how I felt I could prescribe myself this type of stress relief , I'll never know .
So here we are at Nov. 20nd . My drinking has balooned inside a month from 2-3 beers daily to 2-3 , 6/packs and several chugged beverages on the way from the store each trip daily . Possibly even hidden quarts of "Dark" beer in the hallway . I this evening decide that what I need is 2 Boxes of NITROUS Oxide . The store 2 doors over sells em so ..."WHY NOT". I hadn't in the 3-4 years we'd lived in this area gone there to buy any , but tonight I needed 48 Individual WHIP-ITS???? OKAY thats strange .
I did all 48 and passed out several times in doing so . I have no memory aside from buying them . Im standing at the counter laughing>>>>> I wake up next day . I do belive I "CRACKED MY CRANIUM " on a few of those . This began a chain reaction that in hind site was a "GIFT" and a boon I'll carry w/ me forever . I slept to 3 Pm and awoke to continue my self destruction .
Nov 21st I wish I'd just slept all day and all nite . I awoke to the reality that my "JIG WAS UP" . My fiance had realized that , Im sleeping past noon and , Im acting very strangley. I admit to doing pills reluctantly and my safety net is gone . My Fiance is my Rock , even in my using times , she calls the shots . If she tells everyone to go , THEY LEAVE :). She says NO MORE BEER , theres no more beer . But , (theres always a but) it gets old to babysit your partner or take responibility for anothers behavior over and over . After I had been decieptful with my pill use , I lost that . She decided I'd hafta think for myself and she was through argueing w/ and policing my alcoholism . I guess I deal with this in worst way possible .
My Fiance says "NOPE" when I offer to get her some beer . I should have took thas as NO BEER TONIGHT . Because broken from the previous nights N20 bombardment I decide I need to go to get Alcohol . I believe I drank 3 Jim beam and Ginger Ales 2 Jim beam Colas ( in the can premixed ) and 2 PBR 40s . This is throughout the day and to 12 midnight approx .
I basically am drunk and go to same conversation about me getting a few Klonopins for a few bucks . A few aquaintances have been hangin w/ me for the afternoon and evening and are happy to do it "TOMMOROW" . But , they wanted my $$ tonight . I got angry since "Its Midnight in 15 minutes" so it is tommorrow .The conversation turns a little arguementative and the other party leaves my house as I give em an ear full .
In poor judgement the other party called me from there home a block away and proceed to continue this arguement . I SNAP . Nothing would have stopped me . And the Fire was shooting out my mouth and the smoke was pouring out my ears . I stormed over to there house and pound on the door . These two former friends come pounding down the stairs . I've basically LOST MY MIND at this point AND HAVE COMPLETELY SNAPPED . IT WAS VERY SCARY . The rest is a blur ...some glimpses and more blur due to the kicks to the head and punches in the face I endured while being so intoxicated and still reeling from the Nitrous . I didnt ever get to hit anyone , yet I was kicked 1/2 dozens times in the ribs , arm , stomach and face . I was punched on both sides o the face by two people over 30 times each . Im basically fighting to stand and "LEAVE " at this point and I hear one of them yell " GET A KNIFE " . Thats some friends I tell ya . I was way out of line . But , the company I kept was very shall we say LOW LOW self asteam crew . Theres no loyalty or honor amongst friends anymore .
After Im tossed out on the front driveway ,I leave . My Fiance yells to me "The cops were called ".So I go back to the scene and speak to the police . "They owe me $20 " I say they didnt have it . We had an arguement . We agree to disagree. No charges . I refuse treatment . But our little fight was very painful . I believe I have a BRAIN shutdown in progress at this point . The next 24 hrs will prove to be Unbelivably horrible and disturbing for me .